I don't know much about economics, being a lowly dumbass American voter and not a "professional politician" of the sort Oborrowa is convinced can save us from, uh, the mistakes of professional politicians.
Not being a professional politician, I cannot understand how it is that when the problem is too much debt, the solution is (I can't believe I overlooked this) to take on more debt. But it's not my fault I don't understand it. After all, I haven't graduated from the Professional Politicians' School of Wasting Money and Convincing Lowly Dumbass American Voters That It's Really Really Good for Them and the Government Will Take Care of Everything, Trust Us (or, as the professional politicians themselves call it, the U.S. Capitol).
So forgive me for not understanding that borrowing more will make everything better. And to think the solution has been right in front of us this whole time! Call it our Dorothy Gale moment: "You mean we could have fixed our debt problem any time we wanted by just borrowing more?!" Followed immediately by our Homer Simpson moment: "DOH!"
So don't worry. Between now and August 2, or — as the corporate-controlled media call it, Financial Armageddon When Grannies All Across America Would Be Better Off Slitting Their Wrists If Our Benevolent Professional Politicians Don't Rescue Our Pathetic Selves — the professional politicians and Savior Oborrowa will save the day.
SPOILER ALERT! Stop here if you don't want to know how our overlords will save the drooling masses.
Okay, despite all the posturing and harrumphing and bluffing and lying and gnashing of teeth and pretending that the federal government might not send out Social Security checks, the professional politicians will indeed rescue us by borrowing more money, raising taxes, and trimming a few things that have nothing to do, of course, with the war machine, our massive military presence across the globe, and the surveillance/police state run by hottie Janet Napolitano.
That's it. That's their Big Idea. Yes, believe it or not, with Greatest Economic Minds in the Universe working around the clock on our financial mess, they come up with, drum roll, please . . . more borrowing, higher taxes, and nominal cuts.
Many are pretending they won't raise taxes, but of course they will. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of our lives. So when the dust of a crashed American economy finally settles, we will have deeper debt, higher taxes, a few nominal cuts, and a bigger-than-ever surveillance/police apparatus and war machine.
Can you blame Oborrowa and the rest in the District of Criminals for hiding this from us poor, ignorant dummies?
As I mentioned at the start, I don't know much about economics, so anything I suggest must certainly be nonsense. So, here are ten nonsensical steps we could try after the professional politicians' Brilliant Solution fails.
1. Cap annual government spending according to the following formula: $2 trillion – ($1,000,000,000C) – ($1,000,000,000M) – ($1,000,000,000I), where C equals grams of coke snorted by Congress annually; M equals number of mistresses (or misters) per senator; and I equals innocents killed by U.S. drone strikes.
2. Being a mere American voter instead of a professional politician, I'm not a hundred percent sure that World War II and the Korean (undeclared) War have ended, but I have heard rumors that the shooting stopped a few decades ago. If indeed that's true, we could consider the insane notion of bringing our troops home from the former war fronts (and everywhere else). Our aggressive, offensive capabilities might be diminished, but our national defense would certainly be strengthened.
3. Get rid of the following departments for three years and see if anyone outside the federal government complains: Commerce, Education, Energy, Homeland Security, Agriculture, Labor. Oh, and the Drug Enforcement Agency.
4. Get rid of the legal-tender laws that force us to use those ridiculous Federal Reserve Notes for currency. We don't need to abolish the Fed. They couldn't hurt us much if we traded in something other than FRNs in our day-to-day lives. Traded in what? Put it this way: ANYTHING would be better than FRNs. Let the brilliant professional politicians in the District of Criminals continue using FRNs, and when we need FRNs to pay taxes, we just convert whatever currency we're using into FRNs and be done with them until next the tax season.
5. Allow anyone who wants to opt out of Social Security to do so.
6. Eliminate foreign aid.
7. Tell Ben Shalom Bernanke that we'll be glad to pay to the Federal Reserve all the money they legitimately lent to us. And when I say legitimately, I mean money they already had on hand, as opposed to money created on the spot.
8. Criminalize fractional-reserve banking.
9. Prosecute all governors, state treasurers, and secretaries of state in those states that do not comply with this part of the United States Constitution: "No State shall . . . make any Thing but gold and silver Coin a Tender in Payment of Debt."
10. Abolish the IRS and institute a five-percent national sales tax that can be raised only if a majority of senators agree to have their ears chopped off. Why five percent? I have no idea. I just made it up. For the record, I do not like the idea of a national sales tax. But if it means getting rid of the IRS? Are you kidding me?
Would this work? How am I supposed to know? I’m not a professional politician, like Oborrowa. So trust the professional politicians who will offer up the new, brilliant, progressive solution: More borrowing, more taxes, more war profits.