January 24, 2012
South Carolina: The state that Newt too much

South Carolina Republicans have spoken, and it's Newt they want.

Nice pick, if you think about it. While many of Gingrich's Republican competitors have shown themselves to be serial flip-floppers, Gingrich has been consistent on at least one issue: marry, cheat, divorce, marry the mistress, cheat, divorce, marry the mistress.

Newt has not confessed to cheating on wife number three. Yet. Maybe he's given up cheating. If so, the most likely explanation is not that he has flip-flopped and become honorable, but rather that he fears wife number three would behead him, ala Goldfinger's henchman Oddjob, with that freaky thing on her head that sort of resembles hair.

Some would argue that Republicans have given up the moral high ground and can no longer bash Bill Clinton for his affairs, foreign and domestic. But those people are wrong, of course, because while Clinton cheated on one hundred percent of his wives, Gingrich has cheated on only sixty-seven percent of his. Officially, that is.

Republicans who are considering future runs for the White House should right away begin focusing on the Gingrich formula of marry, cheat, divorce, etc. After all, Newt didn't build up his impressive collection of wives, mistresses and ex-wives overnight. Phil Lander in 2016, anyone?

Then there's the issue of Gingrich's age and health. If Gingrich were to be elected, he would be a few months shy of seventy at the time of the inauguration, making him the second-oldest to reach the White House. Why no questions about his age? We hear plenty of questions about Ron Paul's age (he's about eight years older than Gingrich), but Paul exercises regularly and is physically fit. Gingrigh probably hasn't laced up athletic shoes since he first started chasing after mistresses in the mid-1960's, which, it is rumored, is the last time he could see his feet while showering (to those who just threw up their mouths, I apologize).

President Kennedy, according to legend, once infamously declared to a crowd in West Berlin that he was a jelly donut. Now, I did not know Jack Kennedy, and Jack Kennedy was not a friend of mine, but this much I know: Jack Kennedy was no jelly donut.

Gingrich is.

Gingrich and Paul are perfect examples of Baldy's Law, which states that for each of the Republican candidates for president, w + x = c, where w equals number of current wives, x equals number of ex-wives, and c equals number of chins.

Why does this soft, doughy, overweight, 68-year-old jelly donut get a pass from a silent media when it comes to his age and health? Do we really want a president who looks like a cross between Julia Child and Paula Deen? How is it that marry, cheat, divorce, marry the mistress, cheat, divorce, marry the mistress has become the formula for success? Perhaps the corporate media are partial to his foreign policy, which advocates that the U.S. commit acts of terrorism in Iran and lie about it, followed by full-on war if necessary.

Gingrich recently recommended "maximum covert operations to block and disrupt the Iranian program, including taking out their scientists, including breaking up their systems, all of it covertly, all of it deniable." And if our acts of terrorism don't have the desired effect, "you have to take whatever steps are necessary to break (Iran's) capacity to have a nuclear weapon."

Is it a coincidence that "South Carolina" is an anagram for "Iran Holocaust"?

More articles at the Baldy's Bombast page